Anyway, I could pretty much just sum up my thoughts of the new Pirates film with this picture:
But I won't do that!
Let's start off this review with how piss poor the 3D was and why it's not worth paying the additional £500 for that extra dimension. Right, I would say the 3D in this film wasn't annoying as it was in Thor (I mean, things didn't obviously stick out from the background because they were 3D) but there was so little of it there that I don't know how they could get away with calling it 3D and charging customers all that extra cash to watch it.
The only reason 3D seems to exist in this film (other than trying to rob unsuspecting customers) is to point swords at the audience. Sure, there's a couple of scenes where the characters are 3D but were they really necessary? The answer to that is no. It did not increase my enjoyment of the film at all. For about 99% of the film, I could have taken my 3D glasses off and watched the film without any problems.
Oh, one thing I forgot to mention was that there was one 3D scene where the film makers only decided to bother with one object and that object was a piece of rope. I shit you not. A piece of rope. Thank fuck I did not pay for this film.
I guess I should probably talk about the actual film now.
If you have not seen the previous Pirates of the Caribbean films, don't worry about it. You need no knowledge of them to understand what's going on here. Just goes to show how God damn forgettable the previous ones are. Although, I would recommend seeing the first Pirates of the Caribbean one because it's the only good one out of the 4.
I was hoping that it might be a decent film as I was told it was based on a good book but as I feared, nothing really happens and it was boring as hell. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides seems to try and keep it's audience interested by a shit load of noisy action scenes and piss poor jokes. I think I laughed about once during this movie at something that was intentionally made to be funny.
Also, why is it called "On Stranger Tides"? There's nothing really strange about this film. It's just the same as the other two shitty sequels. It just meanders about and hopes to create some coherent plot but fails so God damn hard. SOUNDS PRETTY FAMILIAR TO ME.
I don't really have much to say about this film, to be honest. There was entire scenes that seemed to be there for no God damn reason other than to piss me and the rest of the audience off. There seemed to be no clear motivation for the characters to be doing any of the things they were doing and quite often they seem to be wondering "why the hell am I here?".
Oh, if you're wondering if there's any scene after the credits, there is. Don't bother watching it though. They could have just replaced the scene with a black background and the words "There will be another film" and it would have had the same effect.
To sum up, this film was God damn boring and I wouldn't waste my money going to see it. If you, for some reason, do decide to go see this film PLEASE don't go and see the 3D version. The 3D adds very litte, if anything to the film. The only real act of piracy going on here was Disney stealing my time but, thankfully, not my money. DON'T LET IT HAPPEN TO YOU.
Score: Fuckingboringpieceofshit/10
Pros:
- I got to see some rope in 3D
- The extra cost of seeing it in 3D wasn't applicable to me
- Han Zimmer's soundtrack
- Penélope Cruz was helping the British sailors and not the Spanish
- Uhhh...oh yeah, I didn't pay for it
Cons:
- Blackbeard's beard had some grey in it
- 2 hours of my life were consumed by Disney
- The humour
- The story
- The characters
- The fact that is going to be more films in the series
- The friend I went to see it with liked it
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