I know, how about the fact that this film was pretty much just a 2 and a half hour advertisement?! I actually made a note of every bit of product placement I could find in this film and here is my list:
Dyson, Volvo, LG, Sprint, GM, Kmart, YouTube, Burger King, Nike, HSBC, Garmin, 7-Eleven, M&Ms, Walmart and CNN.
I'm sure there was more but fucking hell, that is a lot of product placement. I guess we all know how Michael Bay funds the disgusting amount of over-the-top actions scenes he has in every film. That's another thing, I'm pretty sure two hours out of this two and a half hour film were nothing but explosions, robots fighting and people shouting. I mean, I'm pretty sure there's a plot there but it's difficult to see something like that when it's been stretched so thin.
Now, I'm not going to say that Michael Bay's Transformer films have some of the worst, most awkward humour ever but Jesus Christ do they have the fucking worst, most awkward humour ever. Seriously, the scene where Sam's mother eats that pot brownie and then proceeds to run and scream a pile of shit around the college campus may be one of the worst comedic scenes ever to exist on film.
Is it just me or is there a lot of racial stereotyping going on this film? The most obvious examples being these two douchebags, "Skids" and "Mudflaps":
I mean, what kind of names are those? Pretty fucking dire ones, if you ask me. They seem to be Michael Bay's equivalent of Jar Jar Binks. You know? The characters that are there to provide the comic relief but also to try and bring in a certain "audience". Also, was it just me or were these characters really annoying? In fact, I'm pretty sure there was A LOT of annoying characters in this film. For example, there's that little annoying piece of shit that Megan Fox puts in a box. You know? The one that arbitrarily decides to join their side half way through the film and also develops a libido. Then there's Jetfire. OH BLOODY FUCKING PISS I HATED JETFIRE IN THIS FILM. I can't really remember why but I remember him just pissing me off every time he turned up and I was so happy when he got his shit ruined near the end of the film. Pity he didn't die straight away.
Anyway, other things that annoyed me about this film: WHY WERE THEY CONSTANTLY FIRING BULLETS AT THE DECEPTICONS? IT DOES NOT HURT THEM! The only reason I can think of that would explain why the human army continually wastes a continent's worth of ammo on them is that the Autobots have convinced the humans that it will eventually work so that they can use the army as cannon fodder. Seems to be working for them so far.
Another thing: why is Megan Fox in this film? I don't really get it. Yeah, I know she's pretty much the only reason some of you drooling retards out there watched it but seriously...what does she add to this film? Other than the 500 slow motion scenes of her running. I guess they should have called this film...Michael Bay Watch...OH YEAH!. Anyway...she seems to have lost all reason to be in it. Maybe that's why she doesn't want to be in the third one. I obviously can't say for sure but what I do know is that I won't be wasting my time with it.
One last thing about Megan Fox's character (I can't remember her name for the life of me); did anybody else really laugh out loud when she said she felt really nervous about having a webcam date with Sam? I did. What's so God damn awkward about a "webcam date"? I'm pretty sure you've been on dates with him in real life so why would it suddenly become more awkward when he's God knows how many miles away?
Finally, I want to talk about some of the cheese in this film. Woah, was some of it bad. The worst offenders (off the top of my head) were the scenes where Jetfire sacrifices himself (yay!) by giving Optimus Prime his parts (not as bad as the scene in The Terminator 4 where that one guy gives up his heart to save the other guy right enough) and when Sam is knocked out and talks to all the other Primes. Ugh. What a shitfest.
To sum up, this film was worse than the original and makes me want to see "Dark of the Moon" even less. The film is filled to the brim with noisy, obnoxious action sequences and poor attempts at humour. I wouldn't force this steaming pile of shit onto my worst enemy.
Score: Pissingshitcuntofadickcock/10
Pros:
- Did you try turning it off and on again? Uhhhhh, I mean, I didn't pay to see it
- Jetfire dies
- I watched it at home so I could go on Facebook among other things while watching it
- I discovered a film that's live action and a cartoon at the same time through the overuse of special effects
- I'm pretty sure no whales were harmed in the making of it
- I didn't catch cancer from it
Cons:
- It was worse than licking the flies off a decaying monkey's testicles
- I actually set aside some time to watch this
- Michael Bay didn't kill himself after releasing it
- Mudflap, Skids and the little shit head robot do not die
- Sam didn't punish Bumblebee enough for saving his life
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