Insidious

Ugh.

This kind of started off as watchable then it just decided to tumble all the way down into Shitsville USA.

This movie is about some little shit head who has the powers to "astral project". To anyone who does not know what this load of bollocks means, it's basically a load of horseshit about having an "out-of-body experience" where you have some "astral body" that is outside of your normal body and you can travel to places with it 'n' shit. If you're the kind of moron who believes in this sort of shite, please follow the advice of this webpage:

http://www2.b3ta.com/mind-control/

If you're wandering why I would suggest killing your parents as well as yourself, it's because any parents who would allow their kids to grow up believing that it was okay to think shit like this is real should be put down.

ANYWAY, Pisshead (that's what I'm calling the kid now) goes into a "coma" because he decides that going into some shit hole and getting stuck there would be a good idea. This place is known as "the further". Wow, fucking great name there, assholes.

Eventually, it turns out that Pisshead's father (Pisshead senior), also has the power but repressed his memories about it due to some stupid old woman haunting him. He now has to use this power to save his son from being taken over from some demons trying to steal his body.

SO, OFF PISSHEAD SENIOR GOES IN THE FURTHER...OR SHOULD I SAY: "THE SAME WORLD AS HE'S ALREADY IN BUT DARKER AND SMOKIER".

When Pisshead senior eventually comes across his son, he discovers that he's been tied up by Darth Maul. That's right, Darth Maul:

A fight begins between Pisshead senior and Darth Maul but then Darth Maul suddenly decides he's going to do fuck all and then lets the Pisshead family get away. They get away but then it turns out that the stupid old woman that haunted Pisshead senior has come back and he kills people. The end. Great stuff guys.

Oh yeah, at one point in the movie, Pisshead senior refuses to believe all the astral projection stuff (I wonder why?!) until he comes across some pictures his son drew of Darth Maul and all of this other shit. 

So, your son has been in a coma for God knows how long and YOU NEVER NOTICED THESE DRAWINGS BEFORE? YOU EVEN TOOK THEM DOWN AND PINNED THEM UP AGAIN WHEN YOU MOVED. GAWD!

Score: I'm only going to give this film a Fuckingshit/10 instead of a Fuckingshitpisscunt/10 of ten because some of it, at least, made me laugh (even if it was unintentionally). 

Pros: 

        It was better than Limitless 

        Something actually happened in this movie

        I didn't pay for it

        It let me know that, if there's a sequel made, I shouldn't waste my time with it

        I had a few laughs

        I threw some sweets at a girl in the cinema who wouldn't shut up and she didn't know it was me

Cons:

       It reminded me of Star Wars: Episode 1

       It exists

       I ran out of sweets to throw at the noisy twats in the back row

       There was a guy sitting a few seats away from us who had a strong smell of dead children