Transformers 2: Revenge of the Boring

Wow. Where the fuck do I start with this movie? Jesus Christ, was it bad.

I know, how about the fact that this film was pretty much just a 2 and a half hour advertisement?! I actually made a note of every bit of product placement I could find in this film and here is my list:

Dyson, Volvo, LG, Sprint, GM, Kmart, YouTube, Burger King, Nike, HSBC, Garmin, 7-Eleven, M&Ms, Walmart and CNN.

I'm sure there was more but fucking hell, that is a lot of product placement. I guess we all know how Michael Bay funds the disgusting amount of over-the-top actions scenes he has in every film. That's another thing, I'm pretty sure two hours out of this two and a half hour film were nothing but explosions, robots fighting and people shouting. I mean, I'm pretty sure there's a plot there but it's difficult to see something like that when it's been stretched so thin.

Now, I'm not going to say that Michael Bay's Transformer films have some of the worst, most awkward humour ever but Jesus Christ do they have the fucking worst, most awkward humour ever. Seriously, the scene where Sam's mother eats that pot brownie and then proceeds to run and scream a pile of shit around the college campus may be one of the worst comedic scenes ever to exist on film. 

Is it just me or is there a lot of racial stereotyping going on this film? The most obvious examples being these two douchebags, "Skids" and "Mudflaps": 

I mean, what kind of names are those? Pretty fucking dire ones, if you ask me. They seem to be Michael Bay's equivalent of Jar Jar Binks. You know? The characters that are there to provide the comic relief but also to try and bring in a certain "audience". Also, was it just me or were these characters really annoying? In fact, I'm pretty sure there was A LOT of annoying characters in this film. For example, there's that little annoying piece of shit that Megan Fox puts in a box. You know? The one that arbitrarily decides to join their side half way through the film and also develops a libido. Then there's Jetfire. OH BLOODY FUCKING PISS I HATED JETFIRE IN THIS FILM. I can't really remember why but I remember him just pissing me off every time he turned up and I was so happy when he got his shit ruined near the end of the film. Pity he didn't die straight away.

Anyway, other things that annoyed me about this film: WHY WERE THEY CONSTANTLY FIRING BULLETS AT THE DECEPTICONS? IT DOES NOT HURT THEM! The only reason I can think of that would explain why the human army continually wastes a continent's worth of ammo on them is that the Autobots have convinced the humans that it will eventually work so that they can use the army as cannon fodder. Seems to be working for them so far. 

Another thing: why is Megan Fox in this film? I don't really get it. Yeah, I know she's pretty much the only reason some of you drooling retards out there watched it but seriously...what does she add to this film? Other than the 500 slow motion scenes of her running. I guess they should have called this film...Michael Bay Watch...OH YEAH!. Anyway...she seems to have lost all reason to be in it. Maybe that's why she doesn't want to be in the third one. I obviously can't say for sure but what I do know is that I won't be wasting my time with it. 

One last thing about Megan Fox's character (I can't remember her name for the life of me); did anybody else really laugh out loud when she said she felt really nervous about having a webcam date with Sam? I did. What's so God damn awkward about a "webcam date"? I'm pretty sure you've been on dates with him in real life so why would it suddenly become more awkward when he's God knows how many miles away?

Finally, I want to talk about some of the cheese in this film. Woah, was some of it bad. The worst offenders (off the top of my head) were the scenes where Jetfire sacrifices himself (yay!) by giving Optimus Prime his parts (not as bad as the scene in The Terminator 4 where that one guy gives up his heart to save the other guy right enough) and when Sam is knocked out and talks to all the other Primes. Ugh. What a shitfest. 

To sum up, this film was worse than the original and makes me want to see "Dark of the Moon" even less. The film is filled to the brim with noisy, obnoxious action sequences and poor attempts at humour. I wouldn't force this steaming pile of shit onto my worst enemy. 

Score: Pissingshitcuntofadickcock/10

Pros: 

• Did you try turning it off and on again? Uhhhhh, I mean, I didn't pay to see it
• Jetfire dies
• I watched it at home so I could go on Facebook among other things while watching it
• I discovered a film that's live action and a cartoon at the same time through the overuse of special effects
• I'm pretty sure no whales were harmed in the making of it
• I didn't catch cancer from it

Cons:

• It was worse than licking the flies off a decaying monkey's testicles 
• I actually set aside some time to watch this
• Michael Bay didn't kill himself after releasing it
• Mudflap, Skids and the little shit head robot do not die
• Sam didn't punish Bumblebee enough for saving his life

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Shittier Tides

Like the title of this review? I thought so.

Anyway, I could pretty much just sum up my thoughts of the new Pirates film with this picture:

But I won't do that!

Let's start off this review with how piss poor the 3D was and why it's not worth paying the additional £500 for that extra dimension. Right, I would say the 3D in this film wasn't annoying as it was in Thor (I mean, things didn't obviously stick out from the background because they were 3D) but there was so little of it there that I don't know how they could get away with calling it 3D and charging customers all that extra cash to watch it.

The only reason 3D seems to exist in this film (other than trying to rob unsuspecting customers) is to point swords at the audience. Sure, there's a couple of scenes where the characters are 3D but were they really necessary? The answer to that is no. It did not increase my enjoyment of the film at all. For about 99% of the film, I could have taken my 3D glasses off and watched the film without any problems.

Oh, one thing I forgot to mention was that there was one 3D scene where the film makers only decided to bother with one object and that object was a piece of rope. I shit you not. A piece of rope. Thank fuck I did not pay for this film.

I guess I should probably talk about the actual film now.

If you have not seen the previous Pirates of the Caribbean films, don't worry about it. You need no knowledge of them to understand what's going on here. Just goes to show how God damn forgettable the previous ones are. Although, I would recommend seeing the first Pirates of the Caribbean one because it's the only good one out of the 4.

I was hoping that it might be a decent film as I was told it was based on a good book but as I feared, nothing really happens and it was boring as hell. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides seems to try and keep it's audience interested by a shit load of noisy action scenes and piss poor jokes. I think I laughed about once during this movie at something that was intentionally made to be funny.

Also, why is it called "On Stranger Tides"? There's nothing really strange about this film. It's just the same as the other two shitty sequels. It just meanders about and hopes to create some coherent plot but fails so God damn hard. SOUNDS PRETTY FAMILIAR TO ME.

I don't really have much to say about this film, to be honest. There was entire scenes that seemed to be there for no God damn reason other than to piss me and the rest of the audience off. There seemed to be no clear motivation for the characters to be doing any of the things they were doing and quite often they seem to be wondering "why the hell am I here?".

Oh, if you're wondering if there's any scene after the credits, there is. Don't bother watching it though. They could have just replaced the scene with a black background and the words "There will be another film" and it would have had the same effect.

To sum up, this film was God damn boring and I wouldn't waste my money going to see it. If you, for some reason, do decide to go see this film PLEASE don't go and see the 3D version. The 3D adds very litte, if anything to the film. The only real act of piracy going on here was Disney stealing my time but, thankfully, not my money. DON'T LET IT HAPPEN TO YOU.

Score: Fuckingboringpieceofshit/10

Pros:

• I got to see some rope in 3D
• The extra cost of seeing it in 3D wasn't applicable to me
• Han Zimmer's soundtrack
• Penélope Cruz was helping the British sailors and not the Spanish
• Uhhh...oh yeah, I didn't pay for it

Cons:

• Blackbeard's beard had some grey in it
• 2 hours of my life were consumed by Disney
• The humour
• The story
• The characters
• The fact that is going to be more films in the series
• The friend I went to see it with liked it

Music in movies

Just going to post a quick update. This is kind of related to my previous entry.

Is it just me or is music for movies getting worse? While at work tonight (I work part time in a cinema), all I heard was really shit music at the end of every movie. Here are a few examples:

Rio:

Hanna:

Now, this song may not sound all that horrendous but try having it blasting in your ears from the cinema sound system and you'll find that the start of this song is REALLY PIERCING!

And the worst offender of them all:

Fast and the Furious 5:

Now, if you think that woman's voice is fucking horrific at your normal listening volume, try going to the cinema and listening to it after the film has finished. SO FUCKING LOUD AND EAR PIERCING!

Anyway, as I said, it was just a quick update as I am tired and blehdfdfdf.

Fast and the Furious 5

I haven't actually seen this film but I've heard this song from the credits:

I've also seen the combination of explosions, shit actors, fast cars and more explosions before.

Score: Fuckingshitpisscunttwat/10

Pros:
       I haven't seen it yet
       I didn't pay to see it
     
Cons:
       I've heard the song "Furiously Dangerous"
       I know of its existence

Insidious

Ugh.

This kind of started off as watchable then it just decided to tumble all the way down into Shitsville USA.

This movie is about some little shit head who has the powers to "astral project". To anyone who does not know what this load of bollocks means, it's basically a load of horseshit about having an "out-of-body experience" where you have some "astral body" that is outside of your normal body and you can travel to places with it 'n' shit. If you're the kind of moron who believes in this sort of shite, please follow the advice of this webpage:

http://www2.b3ta.com/mind-control/

If you're wandering why I would suggest killing your parents as well as yourself, it's because any parents who would allow their kids to grow up believing that it was okay to think shit like this is real should be put down.

ANYWAY, Pisshead (that's what I'm calling the kid now) goes into a "coma" because he decides that going into some shit hole and getting stuck there would be a good idea. This place is known as "the further". Wow, fucking great name there, assholes.

Eventually, it turns out that Pisshead's father (Pisshead senior), also has the power but repressed his memories about it due to some stupid old woman haunting him. He now has to use this power to save his son from being taken over from some demons trying to steal his body.

SO, OFF PISSHEAD SENIOR GOES IN THE FURTHER...OR SHOULD I SAY: "THE SAME WORLD AS HE'S ALREADY IN BUT DARKER AND SMOKIER".

When Pisshead senior eventually comes across his son, he discovers that he's been tied up by Darth Maul. That's right, Darth Maul:

A fight begins between Pisshead senior and Darth Maul but then Darth Maul suddenly decides he's going to do fuck all and then lets the Pisshead family get away. They get away but then it turns out that the stupid old woman that haunted Pisshead senior has come back and he kills people. The end. Great stuff guys.

Oh yeah, at one point in the movie, Pisshead senior refuses to believe all the astral projection stuff (I wonder why?!) until he comes across some pictures his son drew of Darth Maul and all of this other shit. 

So, your son has been in a coma for God knows how long and YOU NEVER NOTICED THESE DRAWINGS BEFORE? YOU EVEN TOOK THEM DOWN AND PINNED THEM UP AGAIN WHEN YOU MOVED. GAWD!

Score: I'm only going to give this film a Fuckingshit/10 instead of a Fuckingshitpisscunt/10 of ten because some of it, at least, made me laugh (even if it was unintentionally). 

Pros: 

        It was better than Limitless 

        Something actually happened in this movie

        I didn't pay for it

        It let me know that, if there's a sequel made, I shouldn't waste my time with it

        I had a few laughs

        I threw some sweets at a girl in the cinema who wouldn't shut up and she didn't know it was me

Cons:

       It reminded me of Star Wars: Episode 1

       It exists

       I ran out of sweets to throw at the noisy twats in the back row

       There was a guy sitting a few seats away from us who had a strong smell of dead children

Limitless

 Right, I saw Limitless the other day. Why?

WHY?!

This was a fucking shit movie. Why the hell did I watch this movie? NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENS!

The movie starts off with some douche bitching about his life and makes it look like he is going to kill himself. He also fires off some bollocks about how he was so close to changing the world.

It then skips then back to some boring point in time where the douche is shit at writing (even worse than I am) so he takes some drug he's never heard of from some other douche (let's call him douche2). Douche1 suddenly becomes good at writing because of this drug and he uses the drug to further enhance his life. This is pretty much the next fucking hour of the movie.

I mean, other things happen in this time like...okay, I'm speaking bullshit. Nothing else happens.

Once it gets back to the bit where he's about to kill himself, he just decides not to and then kills a bunch of other douches and gets away with it. Oh, did I mention that he drinks the blood of one of the guys he killed so he can take the drug that was in his blood stream? Yeah. What a fucking crock of shit.

Then, instead of changing the world, he becomes a rich investment banker. That's it. That is the end of the movie.

So, what does this film tell you? Taking drugs and killing people have no consequences and will get you far in life.

Score: Fuckingshitpisscunt/10

Pros:

     I didn't pay for this movie
     It wasn't bad enough that I wanted to kill myself
     I had my phone so I could play Robot Unicorn Attack every now and again
     It wasn't longer than I expected it to be
     It ended
   
Cons:
   
     I had to watch it
     It was fucking shit
     It began